Single Man, A

By shimes, March 9, 2010 3:59 pm

I can't believe Tom Ford called you fat. It's not like you're going to have to drop weight for Bridget Jones 3, right?

Sad Man

A Single Man tells the story of an early1960’s English professor who has all the answers about George Orwell but none for his real life.  It’s one of those films that proves, if the movies were to be believed, tenure at any lit department would require a certificate from the candidate’s therapist and a shoebox full of liquor receipts.  You see, the professor’s knowledge is confined the classroom—he (always a he) is paralyzed by the existentialism within the pages they teach to their naïve students, dreamers who know nothing of the real world. 

This guy’s name George Falconer—that’s right, Falconer.  He’s been in a longtime relationship with a former student—the bird who stalked his prey, apparently, but was trained to fly back to its master.  The lover died in a car wreck, the parents have no interest in even acknowledging the relationship, and so George has been thrown into an unbreakable depression.  Picking up a year or so later, the film follows the day in George’s life where he seriously contemplates suicide.

How bad is it for George?  Well, when memories of his lover surface, news of the Cuban Missile Crisis emanates from the radio.  You see, fear has caused a Cold War between homosexuals and society.  In fact, America’s persecution of homosexuals results from its neo Roman-ness:  George gets the mail and talks to the neighbor kid:

Jennifer: Would you like to meet Charlton Heston? He’s our scorpion. Every night we throw in something new to him and watch him kill it. Daddy says it’s like a Coliseum. Daddy says he wants to throw you into the Coliseum.
George: No kidding. Why?
Jennifer:  Well, he says you’re light in your loafers. But you’re not even wearing any loafers.

This is not to say, of course, that homosexuals were not persecuted and that this was, and is, not a stain on our culture.  It is.  But a scorpion named Charlton Heston?  Surely the writers in George’s canon at school would have thought this a bit, um, writerly.  Or, considering the state of English language prose this century, perhaps not.

The director, Tom Ford, is a fashion designer who was the creative director at Gucci for ten years; this is his first film.  Ford’s design aesthetic is to take something classical (usually of the Hollywood golden years variety) and infuse it with twenty-first-century-urban sex appeal.  Essentially, Ford challenges the nostalgia for the Cleaver Era by saying, look, there was a lot of sex (of all kinds) going on, no matter what the Hays Code of Hollywood, tastemakers of Madison Avenue, and the politicians in Washington presented as the official story.  And that truth, taste-consumers of the today, is not repulsive or false—it’s beautiful. 

So is his movie—which is part of the problem.  No wonder Nicholas Hoult follows his professor around town all day—Dr. Falconer looks like he’s been fitted by Tom Ford!  There’s no doubt that Tom Ford can dress his actors and frame them properly on an exquisite movie set.  And he may yet become a great director.  The problem is that the overstylization creates the emotional distance of a Coen Brothers movie, but with overwritten melodrama rather than intellectual philosophy.  Ford makes Firth say this line in voiceover, rather than let the actor carry it on his face: “Just get through the goddamned day.  Bit melodramatic, perhaps, but then again, my heart has been broken.  Feel as if I’m drowning, sinking, can’t breathe.”

This is not to say that Ford should have gone for some gritty cinema verite version of mid-century California college life, or that he should have aped Todd Haynes (who also found a early 60’s muse in Julianne Moore) and made a parody of a Douglas Sirk film to express his disgust with the moral hypocrisy of the pre-Vietnam era.  But with the limited time and space of a film, you have to have stronger written material, else the substance gets lost in the style.

In short, “A Single Man” is not Mad Men.  Matthew Werner has also been accused of being too stylized, and no doubt, there’s style abound on the show—down to the workday cocktails.  But Werner has a very clear idea about what all this means (the American Dream of the early 60’s wasn’t all it’s cracked up to be!), and the time and space and writing staff to create fully developed characters and storylines.  Mad Men has as much depth and complexity than the very best of today’s prose. 

So, perhaps it’s folly to invite such a comparison.  But Ford gives us a Jon Hamm voiceover cameo near the beginning of the film to suggest precisely that.  Ford’s movie simply doesn’t have the script to pull it off, and he lacks the storytelling instinct.  Let’s compare.  Mad Men’s style develops the substance:  When Betty redecorates the Draper house, we see that the design choices of each character exemplify their positions in the social milieu, and thus refine our understandings of their relationships to each other.  When George Falconer meets a handsome stranger outside the liquor store, we think, wow, I don’t remember the James Dean look being coupled with rolled up jeans, and why is that image of a woman staring at them from a concrete building?   Tom Ford needs to, and perhaps will, refine his storytelling technique, but until then, enjoy the hosts’ suits on Oscar Sunday.

The Pitch:

1 Truman Capote

Plus

1 Mad Men

Equals

2 A Single Man

Movie Day at the Court 2010 Oscars LiveBlog!

By shimes, March 3, 2010 11:02 pm

He'll have more fun than you on Sunday night...unless you participate in the Movie Day at the Court 2010 Oscars LiveBlog!

Big news, all!  Longtime Friends of the Blog will remember Filmsnobs.com, mine and James Owen’s website from 2001-2008.  Well, the Filmsnobs are reuniting on Sunday, March 7th at 6:45 for an Oscars LiveBlog!  James Owen will be making his glorious return to the web for 3+ hours of online snarkiness in all its snarky glory!  Join us during the Oscars by clicking at the link below.  We’re doing a Cover It Live event, so we’ll be able to field your questions, publish your comments, participate in our online polls, and basically have something else to do while you’re plowing through hours of awkward intros, weird dance numbers, the Debbie Downer “Who Died This Year” montage, and a bunch of shots of Drunk Nicholson in the front row.

Click Here to Enter the Movie Day at the Court 2010 Oscars LiveBlog!

Do You Believe in Miller-acles? Yes!

By shimes, February 22, 2010 8:53 pm

That's for you, Commies! Takes your socialized health care and shove it! USA! USA! USA!

 

Screw you, whatever, that’s a good pun.  U.S. goaltender Ryan Miller stood on his head and catapulted the Americans to the top seed in the knock-out round of the Olympic tournament.  This is a big deal:  Basically, we have to beat (probably) the Swiss and the Finns to make the gold medal game.  Miller’s performance only proves that ice hockey goaltender is the single most important and most demanding position in all of team sports, rivaled only by quarterback.  (Yes, the author of this blog is a former goalie.  He is now considering retiring into curling.)

Though this victory was not anywhere near the Miracle on Ice, I was reminded of the movie Miracle, which you probably remember as that Disney hockey movie.  True enough, but Miracle is also a subtle political statement and the first film to really understand goaltending.  Director Gavin O’Connor (whose only movie to date was Janet McTeer’s Tumbleweeds) Miracle opens with a montage of ’70s political moments, Vietnam protests and Nixon’s “I am not a crook” speech, Gerald Ford’s “Whip Inflation Now” speech. From here, O’Connor displays cultural absurdities of the decade (disco, streaking, the Coneheads, Billy Beer) as the natural outgrowth of the confusion and disillusionment of the era’s political failings.  This leads us to the troubles of the late ’70s: recession, the oil crisis, the Iranian hostage crisis and the Soviet invasion of Afghanistan. The montage ends with Jimmy Carter’s famous “Crisis of Confidence” speech. Then, as if heeding this call to action, a ragtag bunch of skaters works to replenish the national spirit in a little rink tucked inside Rochester, Minnesota.

O’Connor’s montage doesn’t just give context, but it also raises larger questions about America: Why were we failing?  Were the Soviets winning the Cold War, and if so, why?

In the first scene after the montage, Coach Herb Brooks (Kurt Russell) is asked why the Soviets beat the hell out of the NHL All-Stars in a recent exhibition:  “It’s not because you weren’t good enough. All-star teams don’t succeed because they rely on talent. [The Russians] take that talent and mold it into a system that’s designed for the betterment of the team.”

This is a coaching cliché, of course, but in context, O’Connor suggests that the Me Decade attitude eroded America’s ability to act collectively and achieve greatness—in short, to win the Cold War.    

O’Connor puts aside the political subtext to deliver the sports-movie goods.  After a lazy performance against the Norwegians, Coach Brooks skates the boys until they puke to get them to understand the team concept, while the assistant coach stares at Brooks as if he’s insane.  Of course, Coach Knows Exactly What He’s Doing, and he’s got the clichés to prove it: “Be prepared to grow through pain.” “Great moments are born from great opportunity.” “Maybe if they’re all hating me, they won’t have time to hate each other.” 

Just how much of a “psychological mastermind” is Coach Brooks? His first assignment for the team is a 300-question psych exam, which he administers because the real test is to see if his goaltender will refuse to take it. And how beautiful is Brooks’ hockey mind? Well, he devises defensive zone breakout options on the rink glass like John Nash figuring out Reimann’s Hypothesis from inside Princeton’s library.  

In fact, Kurt Russell paints Herb Brooks as complex portrait of an American working man, father figure, and ambitious, ingenious opportunist — a unique American icon in answer to Carter’s challenge.  The temptation here is to turn Brooks into Lombardi on skates, but Brooks has to maintain emotional control for the audience to buy that he “does everything for a reason.” He only has a few outbursts (strategically planned, to wit), so Russell has to build the performance from the inside out. Russell has gotten more interesting as he’s gotten older:  He has an older man’s bulk that’s intimidating, but he’s also developed active, inquisitive eyes that project understanding rather than anger or stoicism.  He scowls, he lectures, and he’s tough enough to skate out there and snap some bullet wristers at his keeper — but Russell has a deadpan sense of humor and a deft touch with the young boys’ emotions. Brooks achieves the spiritual ideal of his sport, forming a bond between a group of men with razor blades strapped to their feet flying into each other at 30 mph:  “hockey team” is a state of mind.

Not only does O’Connor understand the psychology of the sport, he is the first director to understand what differentiates hockey from the other major team sports.  The skating element makes hockey truly dangerous, yet skating gives it a speed and grace unmatched by traditional running sports.  O’Connor understands that this flow is what makes the game great, yet hard to follow on television.  So, he places the camera at ice level, moving at hockey speed, then dramatically cutting and stopping with the players.  O’Connor also captures the constant flow of players shuttling on and off the ice—and, not only does he avoid slow motion (which would completely undermine the whole point of filming hockey), he also avoids dramatizing high speed collisions.  Rather, O’Connor focuses on the beauty that emerges from chaos.

More impressively, O’Connor shows remarkably the difficulty of goaltender Jim Craig’s job. As Craig himself describes in an interview with Eddie Cahill, who plays him in the movie, “When a person comes up the ice, there are 10 things a person can do, then there are seven things a person can do … you’re eliminating things as a person comes at you. You are eliminating options.” This is exactly what a goaltender calculates as the action comes at him.  In a few remarkable sequences, O’Connor flows the camera backward down the ice; we see the options narrow, then—wham!, the goalie anticipates the next movie, beating the puck to the spot to make the save.  This is the essence of the most difficult job in sports, where a man has to take himself to a place where he cannot think, only anticipate and react.  In short, O’Connor films goaltending as athletic meditation.   

As the Olympics approach, O’Connor’s movie regains its political bent. Brooks agonizes over the team’s final cut while the Iranians are burning American flags over his shoulder on television; the boys even give Brooks a nameplate that says “Ayatolla.” To lead into an exhibition with the Soviets at Madison Square Garden three days before the Olympics, O’Connor boldly plays the Twin Towers card, showing us the skyscrapers when the team lands in New York. At first, this seems like a shameless ploy, but O’Connor’s first internal shot of Madison Square Garden is the Americans skating out underneath a banner reading, “Soviet Union: Get the Puck Out of Afghanistan.” We finally meet the Red Army, who rules the ice by intimidation and fear. O’Connor shows us, without demonization, that the Soviets’ arrogance is as much a part of the “miracle” as the Americans’ can-do attitude and relentless training.

During the Miracle game itself, Soviet coach Viktor Tikhonov’s pulling of goaltender Vladislav Tretiak (generally thought of as the greatest goalie in history) after the first period remains one of the worst coaching moves in modern sports — yet in the movie, O’Connor lets Tikhonov off easy; he calmly strokes his wing-tip eyebrows after the Americans sneak into the Russian zone and steal a goal at the end of the first period. Thus, O’Connor’s juxtaposition of the scrappy Americans and the indomitable empire is a story that reaches back to Lexington and Concord: The Red Army simply were not expecting a guerilla attack or for this ragtag militia to withstand the siege.

This is where O’Connor makes a sly political statement. The movie ends with Brooks delivering a monologue about what that victory meant to America. “A few years later, the USOC decided to send pro teams to the Olympics … ‘Dream Teams,’ they call them. But now that we have ‘Dream Teams,’ seldom do we get to dream.” Here, Miracle — for all its Disneyishness — does something quite daring: The movie suggests that the same arrogance that drove the Soviets to send its Red Army team to international competition is the same arrogance that America projects with its Jordan-and-Kobe led squads.

Looking back on the film now, Miracle poses more tough questions about this victory than it provides answers about its legacy. The Soviets were so hated because they imposed their will on the world, whether invading Afghanistan or forcing world-class goaltender Tretiak to renounce his desire to play in the NHL. But then O’Connor boldly shows us the Twin Towers to remind us that they aren’t there anymore.  He uses the Olympics to gauge the rise and fall of two empires; Miracle shows us who we were then, and then asks who we are now.

Are we still a nation that values those old ideals of sacrifice, hard work and perseverance in times of national trial, as we were called to during the Cold War? What do our leaders ask of us in these trying times—and, more importantly, if they ask for sacrifice, are we willing to give it? What have we done to replenish the American spirit, as goaltender Jim Craig and the boys did over two decades ago? As a nation, can we still celebrate minutemen if we have become the world’s ruling empire?  Are we as arrogant today in Afghanistan and Iraq as the Soviets were then?  Will it be our undoing? As Herb Brooks says, there will never be another Miracle for America. It will be someone else’s miracle when they finally topple the mighty Dream Team — all the while telling us to get the puck out of Afghanistan.

Unless, of course, Ryan Miller comes up with fifty saves in the gold medal game against the Russians.  That would be another miracle.

In Praise of Scott Hamilton’s Cameo in Blades of Glory

By shimes, February 19, 2010 3:47 pm

You didn't vote for Pedro? But you said Napoleon Dynamite just NAILED IT! at the assembly!

While watching last night’s epic figure skating smackdown between Evan Lysacek and Evgeni Plushenko, I was reminded of one of the most brilliant sports announcer cameos in the history of movies:  Scott Hamilton in Blades of Glory.

Most sportscaster cameos simply don’t work because the filmmakers don’t use them right.  The cameo usually serves one of two purposes: “authenticity” or comic relief.  Too often, the cameo is asked to do both, creating a problem of contradiction:  the comic relief undermines the authenticity.  Even in comedies, the announcers are there to create the illusion of authenticity; otherwise, why not just have Stephen Colbert call the Nascar race in Talledega Nights rather than make Ken Jenkins read lines about an invisible fire and pay Darrell Waltrip to say “boogity boogity boogity.” The worst case scenario is that Joe Buck comes off even lamer than normal, which somehow happens at the climax of Fever Pitch when he’s SHOCKED that Drew Barrymore would just take off across the Fenway outfield.  Worse, you could have sports announcers do something other than announcing sports, witness the recent failure of Jim Nantz straining for hipness by breaking down Barney’s “Perfect Week” on How I Met Your Mother.

Occasionally, the sportscaster cameo almost works.  In The Longest Yard, Jim Rome pretty much sounds like he’s in The Jungle.  He strains a bit to drop in a “Travis” as a shout-out to the Clones at the multiplex, but Rome avoids the fatal mistake of sounding like he’s reading his lines off a movie script.  Rather, he sounds like he normally does, which is reading his lines off his computer screen on his radio show.  Still, the Rome cameo doesn’t really add anything to the film—Rome is there because of the crossover between his and Sandler’s audience, and it’s a bit of a reach to think that these games would even be broadcast, nonetheless by a $50 million man. 

Thus, the perfect sportscaster cameo meshes a spontaneous feel, like a sportscast, with the internal logic of the film.  The Abdul-Jabbar-in-Airplane! of sportscaster cameos is Howard Cosell covering the consummation of the Fielding marriage in Woody Allen’s Bananas.  As are most of Allen’s comedies, Bananas is an absurdist projection of the mind of the neurotic New York Jew.  Allen’s great fear is that he won’t measure up as a performer, so, in his mind, the wedding night is broadcast by Howard Cosell as if he’s calling the Thrilla in Manilla. Cosell sounds somewhat scripted, but he drops in some trademark Cosell SAT vocab, telling us that Mellish is “buttressed” by his manager and trainer, and in the post-sex interview with the wife, she tells Cosell that her husband’s “timing is a little off.”  Funny stuff.

Scott Hamilton’s cameo in Blades of Glory, on the other hand, is one of those standard-issue “authenticity” roles that doubles as comic relief because the network guy says something rude or non-PC.  Hamilton’s comedic insight is that he doesn’t need to movie-ize his performance.  When you’ve got a fat guy in cowboy vest skating ass-first to “The Stroke,” you don’t need to embellish anything about your usual “Oh, he just nails the triple axel!” call.  “Flawless!” and “Textbook Perfection!” are more hilarious than any beefed up script lines because the joke is that you’re taking this seriously. 

Still, listen a little more closely, and there’s something else going on here.  What makes Scott Hamilton one of the most enjoyable, if not especially insightful, ex-athlete color commentators is the unadulterated joy he has in watching athletes perform.  Granted, during this Olympics, he’s taken to groaning after falls and slight moans when the jump comes up a bit short, but he’s always genuinely engaged in the action on the ice.  He also seems to understand that his audience may not perceive the distinction between an excellent and simply very good triple lutz, so he tells the audience they should be excited because he’s excited.  Figure skating is an artistic medium as well as athletic, and Hamilton is prone to the artist flourish—or, if you will, a total freak-out after, say, a skater lands the quad.  And he’s not afraid to do a Three Stooges “Whoo Whoo Whoo” to describe a recovery after the triple toe.

In Blades of Glory, Hamilton perfectly captures the substance and feel of his own ridiculous commentary:  “This cowboy is cracking his whip on the haunch of this crowd, and they love it!” sounds exactly like a Hamiltonism about, say, Brian BoitanoHis description of Jon Heder’s “galloping peacock” might as well have been about Johnny Weir’s Torino outfit.  Hamilton isn’t exactly deadpan, but he plays the cameo as if he’s actually broadcasting figure skating.  The exaggerated nature of his commentary is even funnier because he doesn’t exaggerate it further for laughs. 

Like a great skating routine, the performance must seem effortless.  Because Scott Hamilton doesn’t try too hard for laughs, he gets them.  In fact, he’s more insightful in Blades of Glory than he’s been in Vancouver:  “Male figure skating is different than female figure skating.  We’re not America’s sweethearts. “ In the words of Scott Hamilton, he just NAILS it!  Textbook Perfection!

The Docket, 2-8-2010

By shimes, February 9, 2010 8:41 pm

Sorry I missed last week, y’all.  Some of you have been asking for my opinion on the Oscar nominations, especially the ten Best Picture nominees.  I actually like it, and here’s why.  With the five spots, the way it’s broken down, more or less, the last few years, is to reserve one for the Weinstein Prestige Picture, one for an upstart indie, and three for studio “independent” movies.  Now, you’ve got room for the deserving Pixar movie, more independents, and Hollywood can reward good blockbusters—hopefully encouraging more The Dark Knights and fewer Transformers 2s.  I will have a rundown of the Best Picture nominees closer to Oscar time.  For now, here’s what’s on the Docket for your movie week.

Dear John:  What happened to Lasse Hallstrom?  Lasse used to be Bob and Harvey’s go-to guy for Oscar Bait:  The Cider House Rules, Chocolat, The Shipping News.  The problem is that his movies are, in the immortal words of Mel Gibson, boring as a dog’s ass.  So, rather than comparing Golden Globes gift bags with Johnny Depp and Michael Caine, Lasse’s been reduced to opening Nicholas Sparks adaptation in February.  Starring GI Joe and the chick that made out with Megan Fox in that one movie that nobody cares about except for the fact that Megan Fox made out with some chick in it.

Valentine’s Day:  Or, Valentine’s Day, Actually.  Or maybe She’s Just Not That In To Valentine’s Day.  This one is brought to you by the unabashedly estrogized Garry Marshall, who made prostitution adorable in Pretty Woman.  At least Richard Curtis’ Love, Actually had some Altman-esque ambitions to its sprawling, multi-story structure—including a memorable performance by Billy Nighy as Billy Mack, the depressed Jagger-lipped popstar who scores an unexpected Christmas hit, and Billy Bob Thornton as the POTUS who gropes Prime Minister Hugh Grant’s secretary.  I suspect that Marshall just wants to throw some stars at housewives five minutes at a time.

Percy Jackson & The Olympians:  The Lightning Thief: I don’t mean to be such a downer this week, but here’s how you know this is going to suck:  Chris Columbus.  Not the genocide guy with the national holiday, but the hack director of Home Alone, some unspeakably crappy Robin Williams movies—and, most relevant for our purposes, the two worst Harry Potter movies.  Columbus fell in love the special effects arsenal Warner Bros. put at his disposal, developing none of the characters and flattening the story.  Expect the same with poor Percy.   

The Wolfman:  Looks like a classier version of Van Helsing, doesn’t it?  But with Benicio Del Toro in a high-tech The Howling.  Unfortunately, almost all big budget films with starpower released in February are deeply flawed.  That’s why they’re released in February.

The Docket, 1-28-2010

By shimes, January 28, 2010 4:48 pm

When in Rome:  Do you think that Kristen Bell might be the next Reese Witherspoon?  You kinda like Ryan Reynolds and Joshua Gordon-Levitt, but prefer someone without the comedic skills and charm?  Maybe with a slightly Carson-Daly’s-dopey-brother look to him?  Here’s Josh Duhamel!  Craving some C-list comic relief like Dax Shepard and Will Arnett?  Wonder what’s happened to Don Johnson?  Like stupid high-concepts?  Thinking about how bad it must be for Angelica Huston right now?  Think tiny European cars are funny?  Then the director of Ghost Rider and Daredevil has got the movie for you! 

Edge of Darkness:  Since Mel stupidly got divorced after The Passion of the Christ, he’s got to unretire from acting and dust off the script for some standard-issue revenge thriller.  Personally, I’m Ready To Root For the Bad Guy all over again, so why not just make a sequel to Payback?   

Recommendation for Video this Week:  This Is It.  I’ve actually reviewed this one!

Sotomayor Forgets Why Supreme Court Rules on Stuff

Justice Sotomayor throws a high hard one at borderline retarded death row inmates represented by court-appointed rookie attorneys who ignore the basic rules of defense lawyering.

Overlooked in last week’s hubbub over Citizens United was Obama nominee Sonia Sotomayor’s first majority opinion on a criminal procedure matter.  This is no small deal:  Liberal legal commentators warned Democrats that Sotomayor—a former prosecutor—has an overwhelming appellate record of upholding government action in criminal cases.  So it should come as no surprise that Sotomayor’s opinion in Wood v. Allen upheld the death penalty sentence of a defendant represented by a court-appointed  first year lawyer who, um, chose not to pursue and submit mitigating evidence of the defendant’s borderline retardation. (This is a standard “Just because I had ineffective counsel, that doesn’t mean I should be executed”, Strickland v. Washington case.)   

My problem isn’t with the Court’s ruling (other than the fact that the Supreme Court seems unalarmed by the extraordinary narrowing of Constitutional habeas review, especially when it means that the state is putting more of its citizens to death under auspicious circumstances).  My problem is that Sotomayor missed the whole point of having the Supreme Court decide an issue. 

One of the primary purposes of SCOTUS review is to clarify the law when separate circuit courts interpret statutes differently.  Here, the Anti-Terrorism and Effective Death Penalty Act (AEDPA) has two provisions for how to deal with federal habeas review in death penalty cases:  One that calls for action when the state court was unreasonable in its ruling, and one that says the defendant must rebut the presumption that the state was correct by clear and convincing  evidence.  Do you apply both?  Do you get to choose one?  Under what circumstances?  The Eighth and Eleventh Circuits apply both rules to all petitions, and the Third and Ninth Circuits say that the different rules apply to different circumstances. 

So, this is the when the Supreme Courts steps in to say who’s right.  Except when they don’t.  Even though about half the oral argument in the case was spent clarifying and narrowing the case to this question, Sotomayor’s opinion doesn’t answer it.  Her holding, which six other justices signed onto, simply said, hey, the borderline retarded guy doesn’t win either way. 

Well, thanks for that, J-Lo, but you didn’t help us out very much.  The Eighth Circuit is going to keep doing its thing, the Ninth is going to do the other thing, and nothing changes.  See you in another couple years when some other guy gets put on death row because his inexperienced, overworked public defender screws up.

“Activist Judge” Haters: Citizens United…Against What, Exactly?

Dude, the Ya-Hoos don’t even know what “activist judge” means. We can do whatever the hell we want!

By now, you’ve heard about the Supreme Court’s totally ballsy ruling last week in Citizens United v. FEC, in which the Court held that corporations are people, money is speech, and therefore limiting corporate contributions to political groups violates First Amendment protections of Free Speech.  Some of these principles had been established before Citizens United, but their application here pretty much abolished campaign finance reform.  And, really, as much of a stretch as I think this is (especially for a Court that so literally and narrowly reads defendants’ rights in the Fourth, Fifth, and Sixth Amendment), well, I can’t get too mad about the substance of the decision.  Look, if liberals want to the Courts to interpret the Constitution in their favor, then win some presidencies and appoint more liberal judges—and quit being such wussies when it comes confirmation time.

The thing that makes me really steam-out-the-ears mad about this decision is the sheer hypocrisy of the Roberts Court’s procedural principals.  And make no mistake, one of the first things we learn in law school is that the side that controls procedure wins the substance.  Let’s review how Citizens United got to the Court, shall we? 

The political activist group Citizens United sought to air Hillary: The Movie, an anti-Clinton “documentary” on video-on-demand cable services.  The McCain-Feingold Act bans certain corporate-funded paid television time immediately before elections, and it also requires disclosure of corporate sponsors of election advertizing.  Sure enough, Citizens United took a ton of corporate money, meaning that Hillary was banned from cable on-demand.  During oral argument for this case last term, Citizens United argued for a narrow interpretation of the law to overturn the ban on Hillary, either by reading the statute not to mean “video on demand” or something along those lines.

During oral argument, the government’s lawyer defending the law, Deputy Solicitor General Malcolm Stewart, royally screwed up by suggesting that the government could regulate the publication of books prior to an election.  (For the record, Alito nailed him with this hypothetical, but Stewart could have easily deflected the question by using the Court’s distinction between political speech and commercial speech.)  This led the Court to postpone ruling on Citizens United to hear briefs on a question not even raised by the lawyers—whether to declare corporate funding of political advocacy groups who advocate for candidates as protected speech under the First Amendment, and thus could not be banned or even limited.  These questions had already been decided—even as recently as 2003.   

So, to sum up, here’s what the Court did:  Overturned a century’s worth of legal precedents on free speech, declared unconstitutional a bipartisan congressionally-passed law, stretched the text of the Constitution to declare money to equal “speech” and corporations to equal “we the people”—and in getting to the that ruling, answered Constitutional questions it didn’t need to answer, answered far more broadly than it needed to decide the case, and had the case re-heard because even the lawyers themselves didn’t think the Court would consider doing what it did.

In other words, you want ACTIVIST JUDGING?  That’s activist judging if ever an activist judge judged.  So, for all you I HATE ACTIVIST JUDGES haters in the house, you have to ask yourself:  Do you really hate “activist judges,” or do you just hate judges that rule in ways that don’t comport with your political views?  And if you still say you hate activist judges, then I patiently await your condemnation of the wholly radicalized Roberts Court.  It’s that, or you’re a raging hypocrite and all the talk about “Judicial Restraint” and “Judicial Deference” and “Constitutional Avoidance” was just a bunch of hot air and your jurisprudential theories are just as compromised by politics as those you criticize.

The Federalist Society types will no doubt argue that this judgment was necessary to expand Free Speech, and we can deal with the odd fact that conservative justices have worked to limit the freedom of speech for living, breathing human beings while expanding it for legal fictions.  That’s fine—there’s contradictions in every ideology, and sometimes you have to reconcile them after-the-fact.  But what gets me is that this is the same kind of Warren Court-ish behavior that conservatives have rightly decried as intellectually dishonest, thus completely undermining their whole rationale for, you know, hating on Sonia Sotomayor.

The Docket, 1-22-2010

By shimes, January 22, 2010 3:45 pm

On the Supreme Court front this week, I’ll post separately about yesterday’s decision in Citizens United v. Federal Elections Commission, one of the most inexplicable cases of judicial activism in the history of the Court.  If anything, the Roberts Court has proven that if anybody in D.C. has “audacity,” its the current Supreme Court majority.  In four short years, they’ve become the 1970’s Oakland Raiders of government, with Chief Justice Roberts as Al Davis.  Congress might pass its laws, but this outlaw Court doesn’t give a damn what Congress thinks.  In an institution that values stability and decorum and incremental action, Roberts’ court breaks all the unwritten rules of stare decisis and judicial deference and constitutional ripenessCitizens United does to campaign finance reform what Jack Tatum did to Sammy White in Super Bowl XI.  

On the movie front, here’s what we’ve got in theaters this weekend:

Legion:  Let’s see if we can sort out the theological stance of this one, shall we?  God has lost faith with humanity, presumably because we’re unrepentant sinners.  Fair enough.  So He sends a plague of angels to destroy us.  But, doesn’t this mean that if we fight the angels, we’re fighting the will of God?  That puts Dennis Quaid on the wrong side of God, right?  But wait—there’s this Last Hope Of Humanity Baby that’s going to save us.  If this baby is the Second Coming, then why is God trying to destroy us?  I mean, that would defeat the whole point of the Second Coming, wouldn’t it?  And if the baby is going to save us, why are we blasting God’s angels with automatic weapons?  Isn’t that going to just make Him more mad?  And—wouldn’t this movie be much better if Paul Bettany played this guy again, and these two guys squared off against Gabriel?  I think it would

The Tooth Fairy:  Memo to NHL Commissioner Gary Bettman:  Sign The Rock to be the Toronto Maple Leafs’ enforcer.  The Yankees of hockey haven’t been an interesting franchise since Tie Domi retired, and the NHL desperately needs more of this.  Dwayne’s good for it, and I can’t imagine that this niche he’s carved out as Disney’s muscle-y enlarged heart of gold can be satisfying for much longer.  Cross-promote it with Vince McMahon, and this is how you’ll finally crack the Southern market:  Bring rasslin’ fans into the mix.  ‘Roided up meatheads throwing their bodies with reckless abandon into glass, cutting themselves and knocking out teeth…why wouldn’t WWE fans love hockey? If you’re going to get back on ESPN, you’ve got to think outside the box, Gary.  The fact that I’ve rambled on this long about some crazy hockey/wrestling synergy tells you everything I think about the prospects for this movie. 

Extraordinary Measures:  Dr. Indiana Jones tries to cure Monkeybone’s daughters, or something like that.  The highlight of the trailer is Harrison Ford delivering the line, “Nobody is going to tell me how to run my lab!” just like the President in Air Force One.

IMHO, This Yale Law Journal Article Is Kinda Dumb

By shimes, January 18, 2010 8:49 pm

I told him the Chief Justice was like the President's umpire, but he wanted to make sure he's still the Decider. I told him he'd be the Deciders' Decider. That seemed to work well enough.

*There’s a lot (too much!) to digest about this article, but I think it’s illuminating to discuss why the Chief Justice John Roberts’ Justices-as-Umpire analogy fundamentally misrepresents the role of the Supreme Court.  I hope this discussion is a fun way of exploring the issue, as is this article I wrote for Flak Magazine two years ago. 

The Yale Law Journal has a forthcoming article from YLS ‘10 and YLJ Articles Editor Aaron Zelinsky, entitled “The Justice as Commissioner: Benching the Judge-Umpire Analogy.”  Zelinsky also posts legal commentary at The Huffington Post, where I also discovered he was a clerk for the Chief Justice of the Israeli Supreme Court.  Zelinsky’s article has gathered a little bit of blogo-buzz because it was mentioned by SCOTUSblog, which does for the Supreme Court what combining the IMDB and Roger Ebert’s site would do for movies. 

To be clear, I’m with Zelinsky on his most basic point—that John Roberts is full of crap (my analysis of why John Roberts knowingly, intentionally, and willfully misled the American public during his confirmation hearings can be found here).  Now, I understand that I went to a second-tier state law school and not the top-ranked law school in the country.  I get that. But speaking as both a former clerk for a trial judge and as ten-year varsity umpire, Zelinsky’s argument that the Supreme Court justice is like the Commissioner of Baseball is, well, kinda dumb.

First, Zelinsky argues that Justice Roberts “unmoored [the analogy] from its historical roots and firmly opposed to its original meaning.”  He makes his argument by combining two different ideas.  Zelinsky cites a Louisiana Supreme Court decision that says that judges shouldn’t be mere umpires, as in a wrestling match (more on that later)  Then he cites Judge John Milton Killits in Young v. Korrigan, who rejected the “sporting theory” of trial, arguing that a judge must be more than a mere arbitrator to rule upon objections to evidence” (emphasis Zelinksy’s).  As Professor Wigmore wrote in his influential treatise on evidence, sometimes judges must go beyond the text of the law to ensure justice—in other words, be an activist judge (emphasis mine). 

Next, Zelinsky cites a Justice Robert Jackson speech about Learned and Augustus Hand (yes, those are the greatest names in the history of jurisprudence), saying that you want from a judge is what you want from an umpire: “[to] call them as he sees them.”  Zelinsky correctly points out that Justice Jackson “sought to emphasize the impartiality of judges, rather than the degree of involvement they should have in proceedings.”  

But this is exactly Roberts’ point when he says that  “Umpires don’t make the rules; they apply them.”  Zelinsky makes a false distinction between the ideas of “judicial fairness” and “judicial restraint.”  In Roberts’ usage, they’re the same thing—a restrained judge is a fair one because a judge who goes beyond the rules substitutes his judgment for the law as written (Bruce Webber argues as much in a New York Times article Zelinsky cites for this article).  For example, the judicial restraint advocate would argue that because “the right to remain silent” isn’t in the Bill of Rights, the Supreme Court has no business saying this right exists (see Miranda v. Arizona, a landmark Warren Court “activist” decision).  In doing so, the Court isn’t acting fairly because it’s gone beyond the text of the Constitution for its decision.

The analogy to baseball is pretty easy to make.  Let’s say a team pulls off the hidden ball trick, and as an umpire I don’t think it’s sportsmanlike or “fair.”  Unless the pitcher balks or time was called, I can’t simply not call the runner out.  If I did, that would be activist umpiring—that is, substituting my own judgment about “fairness” for what’s explicitly laid out in the rule book.  Roberts doesn’t “unmoor” the analogy from its roots at all; he simply expounds a different judicial philosophy than Judge Killits. does (Make no mistake, though—John Roberts is one of the most activist justices in Supreme Court history).

So, onto Zeilinsky’s second point.  Though Zelinsky misreads Roberts’ judicial philosophy, he is right about the fact that the umpire analogy was directed at trial judges rather than Supreme Court justices.  His analysis isn’t entirely off: “Trial judges…make a large number of split second calls repeatedly throughout their careers on relatively settled issues of law,” like an umpire calling balls and strikes.  But trial judging is nothing like the crisp clarity of calling balls and strikes.  Those of us public school law clerks who have sat through marathon eight-hour sessions of testimony on, say, hotly contested questions about the retroactive applicability of zoning codes to Wal-Mart developments in midsize Kansas cities—well, let me tell you, that ain’t as clear as safe or out, fair or foul.

At most trials, judges don’t make a ruling once every minute or so on clearly contested questions.  You watch a bunch of testimony in which the attorneys grapple to assert their will (their version of the facts, their interpretations of the law) on the other side.  The judge is there to ensure that the verbal scrum is played by the rules.  Perhaps you can think of witness questioning as a series of pitches to a batter, but that doesn’t really capture the wrestling feel of a well-lawyered trial.  Good, aggressive lawyers will find out how far they can stretch the rules of evidence without having objections sustained.  In other words, the action in trials is messy, much more like line play in football (or the Louisiana Supreme Court’s wrestling analogy cited by Zelinsky). 

Sure, baseball umpiring can be messy, but you know exactly when you’re supposed to make a call and what the precise issue is (Inside or on the corner?  Did the runner beat the throw or not?).  Just like football officials could call holding on every play if they wanted to, and there’s a whole list of infractions to monitor, judges have a lot more room to interpret the rules than umpires.  Lawyers know this, which is why they test the boundaries of what a judge will allow.  Hearsay, incidental contact versus pass interference, Crawford exceptions, cut-blocking versus chop-blocking—the rules can be really murky, depending on the speed and quality of play.  Good coaches, like good lawyers, will do whatever they can do to get an advantage.  It’s the judge’s job to call a good game by establishing consistency based on how she interprets the rule book.  Interpreting pass interference is much more inexact than calling the strike zone, and the same goes for the “relevance” and “prejudicial” rules of FRE 401 and 403.

This brings us to Zelinsky’s central argument, that the Supreme Court Justice is not an umpire, but the Commissioner of Baseball.  His analogy is superficial at best.  I mean, shouldn’t this be obvious:  The Commissioner is, you know, one guy.  The Supreme Court is a group.  The Commissioner is an executive, and the Court is, well, a court.  I must be missing something.

So what are Zelinsky’s reasons for the “Justice as Commissioner” analogy?  First, he says that Justices and Commissioners provide guidance to lower courts.  That makes sense, I suppose, if the Commissioner is the high court.  But even then, high courts are groups.  No one guy gets to overrule judges.  That would be some form of totalitarianism, or an absolute or limited monarchy, or maybe the Constitution under the Unitary Executive Theory.  In all these forms of government, one guy, the chief executive of the organization, can’t be told by courts what to do.  The chief executive—you know, like the Commissioner of Major League Baseball.  The guy who negotiates tv contracts, works with the players union on labor disputes, and, in his least time-consuming job, maintains the umpiring crews.  The Commissioner can, apparently, tell the umpires to declare the All Star Game a tie from his seat in the front row, and he can advise the umps on how to call balks.  But, again, these are the actions of an executive with expansive powers, not an appellate court.

Second, Zelinsky says that the Commissioner, like justices, deliberate.   Which means that they think carefully about stuff.  And, as Zelinsky notes, they “give detailed explanations for their decisions, which allows others to use them for interpretive guidance.” 

Isn’t that like saying that Mel Gibson and John Daly are similar because they’re both entertainers who drink a lot?  I mean, of course, the Commissioner and Supreme Court justices think about things before they decide stuff.  I get what he’s saying—they both don’t make split second decisions.  But is that really the best distinction he can come up with?  As for the guidance piece, executives also issue guidance to subordinates on how to rule on stuff.  In fact, there’s a whole body of law dedicated to this idea:  Administrative Law.  That’s when the head of an administrative agency (usually part of the EXECUTIVE BRANCH!) issues guidance to subordinates on how to adjudicate, legislate, and enforce laws within the their specific area.  This head functions as the chief executive of the agency—sometimes she’s even a, you guessed it:  Com mis sion er!  We can assume, unless it’s Alberto Gonzalez, that the President and administrative heads think about decisions before they make them.  But that doesn’t make them a court.

Third, Zelinsky claims that the Supreme Court and the Commissioner of Baseball are similar because they take “countermajoritarian” action.  That’s a fancy way of saying that they make decisions the majority of their constituents aren’t going to like.  That’s another superficial distinction, but whatever.  The real problem is that Zelinsky’s whole analogy breaks down in his explanation of countermajoritarianism.  He says, “for the Supreme Court, this means striking down the will of the legislature.  For the Commissioner, this involves taking action contrary to the will of the owners.”

Dude, the owners elect the Commissioner!  Like how a board of directors elects a chief executive officer of a corporation!   The legislature doesn’t elect the Supreme Court!  It’s appointed by the President with the consent of the Senate!  That’s a completely different thing, isn’t it?  Being an elected executive by a board of a lot of people, versus being appointed by one guy? 

Zelinsky’s description of the Court’s and MLB Commissioners’ roles in racial segregation makes even less sense.  He tells how the Court overturned Plessy v. Ferguson with Brown v. Board of Education, thus integrating schools.  Then Zelinsky compares this action—an authoritative, law-making Constitutional decision—to Commissioner “Happy” Chandler’s “declarations” in support of integrating baseball against the owners’ will.  But this isn’t even close to the same thing.  Perhaps they don’t teach Marbury v. Madison at Yale—I don’t know, I went to state law school.  The Supreme Court exercises Judicial Review, meaning that the Supreme Court can declare the actions of other branches of government unconstitutional.  That’s why school districts could no longer have “black schools” and “white schools” after Brown declared “separate but equal” facilities as violating the Equal Protection Clause of the Fourteenth Amendment of the Constitution—the Supreme Court actually makes rules. 

The equivalent action by the Commissioner of Baseball would be if there were all-black teams and all-white teams, and the Commissioner—against the will of the majority of owners—would unilaterally assert that this violated The Major League Baseball Constitution.  And then the teams had to integrate their players.  Zelinsky points out in his Footnote 48 that “Chandler was more than a bit player in these historic events,” but that’s not the same as actually making a judicial rule-making decision.  Rather, he was like an executive, organizing behind the scenes and negotiating his position to change the organization.

Zelinsky’s fourth point is barely worth mentioning.  Here, he argues that the Commissioner and the Court both have rule-making power.  Ok, fine—but as we’ve already established, the Commissioner’s power is of the executive kind, not judicial (for a discussion of the history of the strike zone, check out this great 1988 article by Peter Gammons).  Zelinsky then analogizes the vagueness of Due Process and Equal Protection Clauses of the Fourteenth Amendment to the “Best Interests” Clause of Article II, Section 3 of the Major League Baseball Constitution.  Zelinsky seems to have skipped over the section (Article II, Section 2(A)) that says that the Commissioner is “To serve as the Chief Executive Officer of Major League Baseball.”  That, and the Best Interests Clause isn’t a substantive rule in and of itself like Due Process or Equal Protection.  Rather, it’s procedural—it merely grants the Commissioner broad executive powers.  They’re two completely different kinds of rules whose only similarity is vagueness.    

The final nail in the Commissioner-as-Court coffin is the fact that Commissioner Selig created a fourteen member “advisory committee” that will advise the commissioner on on-the-field matters.  It would be like a Supreme Court of Baseball Rules if it had rule-making power, which it doesn’t.  That’s still invested in the Chief Executive of Baseball, which is the Commissioner. 

So, if this attempted takedown of Chief Justice Roberts’ umpire analogy is so dumb, what’s my smart-ass alternative?  Well, I’ve got one for you:  The Supreme Court is most like the NFL Competition Committee.  I explain this toward the end of this article from two years ago, but I can give you the quick bullet points here. 

  1.  The NFL Competition Committee is created by NFL Constitution as a body separate from the Commissioner’s executive functions.  Its sole purpose is to interpret rules—a judicial function.   
  2. The Committee can also recommend new rules that have to be approved through legislative channels (an owners vote).  This is similar to how the Constitution works:  The Court interprets existing law, but if the desired result isn’t reachable with the law as written, the Court will issue a decision and sometimes recommend that Congress amend or add a new law
  3. It’s an eight person body that deliberates amongst itself, not simply a unitary executive that unilaterally issues rulings.
  4. Philosophy matters in interpreting rules.  The Committee’s deliberations are often marked by value judgments that guide interpretation (see this interpretation of the Illegal Contact penalty) 

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